Find out what Miss Cho is talking about
along with online dating advice given to Gaydar.net by
Lady Bunny, Michael Lucas, Simon Doonan, Vanessa del Rio and Many More
DO: Show your sense of humor! We all love a funny guy, and the best way to break the ice online is to show you don't take yourself too seriously. Looking for dick online, well, it’s inherently funny. Go with it. You'll attract a higher class of gay when you let your guard down.
DON’T: Show your cock. Seriously, it’s just not right. It never photographs the way you want it to, it either looks weird and small or weird and big. If he likes you, he will like all of you! He doesn't need to see it first. If you see someone's junk on their profile, it just makes you not want to contact them. And please don't show your hole! Again, it will look weirdly small or weirdly big, no matter how nice it actually is. I don't care if you have a red eye flash on your camera. Its not gonna look good!
23 more celebs dish the Digital Dating Dos & Don'ts after the hump, er, jump >
Simon Doonan (New York City)
Creative Director, Barney’s New York,
Author, “Beautiful People” (Simon & Schuster)
DO: Avoid any extreme behaviors on the first date: Save the white rubber nurse's uniform for date three.
DON’T: Start talking with a foreign accent just 'cos you think It's sexy. You’ll be stuck trying to talk like Enrique Iglesias or Javier Bardem for the rest of the date. And when you inevitably slip into your Baltimore accent to ask, "D'you want a coke hun?" you're new beau will be seriously let down.
Vanessa del Rio (New York City)
Sex Goddess, Star, “Vanessa del Rio: 50 Years of Slightly Slutty Behavior!” (Taschen)
DO: “Relieve” yourself before the date: jerk-off before you meat ;-) This way you wont have that desperate “I - gotta - get - off - let's - go - to - the - back - alley - now” look on your face. (Save that for the second date!) And wear a cockring under tight jeans. You’ll have a glint in your eye that will drive him crazy with curiosity.
DON’T: Tease 'em if you cant please 'em! And don’t make that cockring too tight. You don’t want to have an “ugh - why’d - I - listen - to - Vanessa - and - wear - this - stupid - cockring” look on your face!
Michael Musto (New York City)
DO: Be hilariously witty–or at least try to be–rather than just present cold, hard facts and stats. Personality is a big plus in the gay dating market.
DON’T: Don't lie. All your exaggerations and omissions will come back to bite you in your "rock hard"–but actually sagging-to-the-floor–ass.
Mike Albo (New York City)
Author “Hornito,” (Harper Perennial) “The Underminer” (Bloomsbury USA)
DO: Have sex on the first date if it feels right. But if you do, don’t get all guilt-tripped and freak out about it after you orgasm. Sex should be fun, communicative and sensuous. Sex on the first “date” is only a bad thing if you let it be.
DON’T: Talk about yourself so much. Ask questions, be curious about the other person’s life. Be interested, not interesting.
Sherry Vine (New York City)
DO: Use a highly Photoshopped picture that makes you look flawless. Just make sure you always meet in dimly lit places. It's romantic and you can gradually work your way to daylight as the relationship progresses.
DON’T: Forget to get the money first! Oops, sorry, wrong "dating" site. Anyway, don’t list your doll collection, obsession with Twilight or quote Bette Davis. Hit him with those after you’ve hooked him.
Daniel Nardicio (New York City)
VP Marketing Playgirl
DO: If there is the slightest chance you might be having company on your "back porch," do make sure it is hosed off and presentable. (I'm the consummate chef! I like a clean workspace when I get to cookin'!)
DON’T: Describe yourself as "scruffy." Scruffy is code for "I can’t be bothered to bathe or run a comb thru my hair” and suggests long bouts of depression, unemployment and Tina Yothers groupies.
Peaches Christ (San Francisco)
Entertainer, Cult Leader, Star “All About Evil” (Backlash Films)
DO: I believe in grand illusion. Fill your profile with obscure and pretentious references to books, music, TV and film to make yourself sound really smart. Swipe a hottie’s Facebook picture. Lie about your age, about going to the gym x number of times a week and about how much you enjoy good friends. (OK, friend.) Then…
DON’T: Ever actually show up for a real-world date. Keep it online! Draw it out for months, hell, even years! You can have a whole virtual relationship this way, which you, uh, already know, don’t you?
Lady Bunny (New York City)
Actress, Comedian, Political Commentator, International DJ
DO: Use a recent pic. Of someone much more attractive than you.
DON’T: Answer any ads which inquire if you are "on point"–unless you like injecting drugs. Apparently "on point" is code for people looking to shoot meth or other things, besides just their loads. If you must inject drugs during sex, at least put a condom on the needle.
Entertainer, Star Gaydar European Tour
DO: Do have a face pic.
DON’T: Dont look like Lady Bunny ;-)
DO: Have fun. You've got one life. Live the fucker!
DON’T: Ask his name. Nothing says amateur more than asking someone's name. Especially when he’s in your phone. Use it or lose it. And him.
Mike Diamond (New York City)
Writer, Comedian, Part-time Hand Model,
With No Gag Reflex
DO: Butch it up and dumb it down. Bring the masculine fantasy to life! Then, after sex, honey flame out: lisp, do runway, use the word “cunty.” This will guarantee that he will never ever wants to see you again: The perfect way to end any online liaison. Remember: smart, funny, stylish people just aren’t sexy.
DON’T: Hit the Listerine while your new online play pal is still at your place. Nobody wants to feel like a walking bacteria factory, especially with the taste of your sweaty balls still in their mouth!
Robin Byrd (New York City)
Host, The Robin Byrd Show
DO: Use a condom and remember, if you don't have a loved one, you always have me, Robin Byrd!
DON’T: Have unsafe sex with your mouse. And if you do, never use a cordless model.
Mike Alvear (Atlanta)
Comedian. Advice Columnist, Author, “Meet The Hottie In The Corner: The 21 Day Plan To Overcome Your Fear of Rejection, Master the Art of Icebreakers and Snag Guys You Never Thought You Could Get” (e-book)
DO: Be specific. If you want masculine guys, for example, say something like this: “If the only textile you can name is ‘denim’ we’re going to get along. If you can’t tell the difference between ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell we’re going to date. And if you don’t have a problem taking a dump in public restrooms because you think the world is your toilet, we’re going to get married.”
DON’T: Put up fuzzy pictures, faceless pictures or the kind that make people reach for the magnifying glass, or your response rate is going to fall faster than Marie Antoinette’s guillotine.
DO: Be clear about what you want. If you want a serious relationship or just a piece of ass say so. If you are too shy to ask for ass, I recommend giving him a "Fuck Me" Teddy Bear. (click link above)
DON’T: Forget to wash that ass. A funky ass is a sure-fire romance killer. Trust.
DO: Upload that close-up of your asshole: guys love that! Smile: they’ll know you’re a bottom. Lie: you're not gonna meet up with 90% of these guys anyway, so go for it!
DON’T: Quote show tunes in your ad: boner killer. Upload a picture of yourself bound and gagged, then claim you’re only interested in an LTR. Quote Madonna song titles: you won't go "Deeper and Deeper" with any "Future Lovers" if you "Express Yourself" that way.
Chi Chi LaRue (Los Angeles)
Director, DJ, Founder, www.safesexishotsex.com
DO: Make sure you wrap it up!
DON’T: Date anyone like me! Oh wait...you can't, because I don't date. I just suck! ;-)
Michael Lucas (New York City)
Actor, Director, CEO, Lucas Entertainment
DO: Ask for accurate pictures or better yet, cam! Bottoms, tell your top to strip completely and get hard in order to make sure he is to your liking. For guys who like their men skinny: There is such a thing as "skinny fat," so when camming, ask him to take his top off and relax, so you can see if his stomach falls out.
DON’T: Over-prepare. If you're into armpits, please tell your partner not to apply deodorant; it will sting your tongue. If you're into dirty foreskin: ask your guy not to take a shower. If you’re into both, ask your guy not to take a shower after the gym. And for you piss players, don’t eat asparagus or onions or drink coffee or tea or take vitamins (which don't work anyway). Only drink water.
Miss Foozie (Chicago):
Entertainer, Laugh Provider
DO: Be honest, check out his shoes and be prepared to pay for yourself. And your parents. And grandmother.
DON’T: Talk about the ex, text or wear edible chocolate underwear. With white jeans. To Movies In The Park (Chicago). Especially a double-feature. During a heatwave.
Rik Isensee (San Francisco)
Psychotherapist, Author, “Love Between Men” (Backinprint.com)
DO: Be honest with who you are, be generous with what you share and be the man you hope to meet!
DON’T: Over-disclose on a first date (pace yourself), send mixed messages (be clear about what you want and what you're seeking), or misrepresent yourself (you are enough as you are).
Amanda Lepore (New York City)
The #1 Transexual In The World With a Fully Functional Vagina
DO: Have a very interesting, sexy, naked as possible first profile picture on Facebook. Be ready to have fun and get creative on camera. There is something really magical and hot about getting naughty on cam. Technology can be very sexy. Look at it as an audition, who knows, you might meet in person at some point!
DON’T: Constantly IM on Facebook. If you do, all bets are off!
Gio (New York City)
Mr. International Escort of the Year 2010
DO: Brush up on your math and online dating lingo: If he sounds too good to be true, subtract two inches from his cock, add twenty pounds to his weight and ten years to his age. Make sure he knows the difference between "muscular," "fat" and "beefy." First meet in public (even if the online chemistry seems explosive) and be honest—but nice–if things don't work out.
DON’T: Expect his photos to be as current as yours, disclose clues to your address (you don't need "surprise cameos" ringing your bell), say you’re looking for a relationship (even if you are) or have a big meal before your date if you like to “bottom.”
DO: Go down on the first date, but…
DON’T: Go all the way down. You don't want to seem like a slut!
DO: Be truthful. If you just want sex–hold the picket fence, puppy and Paris–just say so.
DON’T: Exaggerate your “size.” Tongues are like tape-measures, they know the difference between 5 and 7 inches.
Read the full collection of Dos and Don'ts on GaydarNation.com. Feel free to blog, post, forward or quote, just be sure to credit Gaydar.net.
Top Photo: L-R, top to bottom: Margaret Cho, Simon Doonan, Gio, Lady Bunny, Mike Alvear, Elaine Lancaster, Gerald McCullouch, Miss Foozie, Mike Albo, Sherry Vine, Robbyne Kaamil, Robin Byrd, Chi Chi LaRue, Daniel Nardicio, Peaches Christ, Michael Lucas, Vanessa del Rio, Mike Diamond (Ben Hertzog), Shequida, Rik Isensee, Amanda Lepore, Greg Scarnici, Michael Musto (David Shankbon). Please email any missing photo credits.